GP/NASAL, NERVOUS, AND VERY FAST:
In the wake of the stormy changes in the ex-Soviet bloc, the winds of Gringostroika have reached every corner of our continent. Can we still call it “ours”? Who are “we” anyway?
Geopolitical borders have faded away. Due to the implementation of a Free Raid Agreement, and the creation of an unstranslatable Zona Libre de Cogercio, the nations formerly known as Canada, the United States, and Mexico have merged painlessly to create the new Federation of U.S. Republics.
F.U.S.R. is controlled by a Master Chamber of Commerce, a Department of Transnational Tourism, and a Media Junta. The role of the presidents is now restricted to public relations, and the role of the military has been reduced to guarding banks, TV stations, and art schools. ¡No se me asuste güey!
The immediate effects of this integration are spectacular: The monocultural territories of the disbanded United States, commonly known as Gringolandia, have become drastically impoverished, leading to massive migrations of unemployed waspbacks to the South. All major metropolises have been fully borderized. In fact, there are no longer any visible cultural differences between Toronto, Manhattan, Chicago, Lost Angeles, or México Cida. They all look like downtown Tijuana on a Saturday night.
SLOWLY TURNS INTO A DRUNKEN VOICE:
The First World/Third World geopolitical distinctions, vestiges of an outdated colonialist vocabulary, have completely overlapped.
The legendary U.S.-Mexico borderline, affectionately known as “The Tortilla Curtain,” no longer exists. Pieces of the great Tortilla are now sentimental souvenirs hanging on the bedroom walls of idiotic tourists, like you.
The hundreds of thousands of Mexican POW’s imprisoned for jaywalking in the Southwest have finally been released. Some of them now occupy important government positions. Acá servidor Gran Vato Charrollero perfor-meándose en ustedes (pause)…just kiddin. Imagine this blackout, suave?…¡Blackout!
Hey man, cut this political mumbo jumbo. Do all Mexkins talk like this?
LIGHTS COME UP
The following text is spoken by GP and RS simultaneously:
GP/THICK LATINO ACCENT:
(wearing a big smile and clearing his throat) Please check my pronunciation. Spanglish and Gringoñol have been proclaimed official languages, linguas francas. The controversial Spanish Only Initiative that outlawed the use of English in the Southwest in 1992 spread quickly throughout the entire Federation. It’s mind blowing. Televisa, CNN, and CBC have joined to create Reali-TV, the largest media empire on the planet, in charge of broadcasting the daily New World Orders. The slogan is “TV or not TV, that is the question!” And as this weren’t enough, United, American, and Continental Airlines have given up their hegemony to new and more chingonometric companies, such as Mexicanada Airlines and the amazing Alaskan-Patagonian Shuttle…Are there any questions?
RS/GRINGO ACCENT (MISTRANSLATING)
El spanglish y el gringoñol han sido proclamados lenguas oficiales, lenguas francas. La controversial Spanish Only Iniciativa que en 1992 prohibió el uso del inglés en el Southwest, se extendió rápidamente por toda la federación. Es mind-blowing. Televisa, CNN, y CBC se han unido para crear Reali-TV, el imperio de los medios de comunicación más grande del planeta, a cargo de transmitir los New World Orders cada día. Su eslogan es “TV or not TV, esa es la pregunta.” Y como si fuera poco, las líneas a´éreas de United, American, and Continental cedieron su hegemonía a compañías más nuevas y chingonométricas como Mexicanada de Aviación y el sorprendenti Alaskan-Patagonian Shuttle…Hay alguna pregunta?
RS makes fart noises as the sounbed for next text.
GP/SLOW< DRUNKEN VOICE:
Ay!…Reality looks and feels like cyber-punk film codirected by José Martí and Ted Turner on acid; and I, little post-Mexican romantic with my permanent poetical erection, cannot help but to ask out loud: Are we closer than ever to Art-mageddon or are we merely experiencing the birth pains of the new milennia?
RS: Shut up, you chicanocentric pedero? You intellectual drive by shooter, you theoretical minority!…(his tone becomes apologetic) Sorry, this pirate radio broadcast has been authorized by the Department of Transnational Tourism. Whiteout please!
"GP" is Guillermo Gómez-Peña "RS" is Roberto Sifuentes